||[Jan. 1st, 2011|11:11 pm]
So. 2011, now.|
...gods, it feels almost like the one of these I did for 2010 was just last month.
But. Well. I suppose that means it's been a year since I started to recover.
...and it has helped. It's been slow. There've been setbacks. But...better than it was.
Been trying, a bit, to gradually get a handle on bits of myself again.
You see, there're things that, consciously or unconsciously, I'd considered part of who I /was/, and when everything went...wrong...don't know if I just...forgot, or mislaid them, or they lost cohesion, but...
...it just seems advisable to keep track, for myself, of the ones I've been able to find again.
I've mentioned, I think, that I'd always considered loving reading, and stories, and working with words and ideas to be part of everything I'd known myself to be.
That's why...losing that, as I did entirely for a space in there, hit me so very hard when I realized; and it's what told me something had to be desperately wrong somewhere.
And it wasn't until just recently, when I found I had it again, that I...how did I ever forget that laughter was a part of who I was?
(...gods, it's what got me involved in fandom in the first place, that impulse to amuse myself and others, it's where I got the NAME I use, how could I ever have forgotten-?)
For so long it was my automatic positive reaction, and I was highly entertained at discovering the different flavors of laughter beyond simple amusement, flavored fierce and triumphant and delighted and astonished and impressed and so many more besides.
...or perhaps it wasn't the laughter that I lost. I know more flavors of it now, I think, than I...might have chosen to learn.
Perhaps there is no easy way to learn that it needn't have anything of mirth or humor or happiness in it to yet be true.
The way hypocrisy tends makes me want to snarl, on the other hand, I don't think I ever lost, though I might not have remained consciously aware of it.
Realizing again, too, how...I'm not sure what word to put to it. Sincerity, perhaps?
But...among the Things I Do, or Things I Am, possibly because of aforementioned reflexive distaste at hypocrisy...
I've a habit of saying what I mean, and otherwise...not. The astonishment and incomprehension I find myself consequently met with sometimes...is it really so unusual, to be a person who...does not bluff, in personal matters?
If I say I do not mind doing X, I mean that. If I say I won't mind missing the opportunity for Y, I mean that.
It's...I don't know, it's a sort of a feeling that one should not say these things unless one is willing to back them up. If you say something of the like, it had better either already be true or you had better be prepared to make it true.
So I...I mean these things when I say them. I am fully prepared to follow through. I am not being passive-aggressive or manipulative - or at least I certainly hope not - or trying to get the listener to make it so that I don't /have/ to follow through. I admit, I might still prefer an alternative possibility, but nevertheless...if I actually say something? Say I'm willing, or that I'm okay with something? Means that, if I commit, I will keep my mouth shut and actually do what I said I would.
Is that really so strange?
...it's a bit of a work in progress. But that I'm actually capable of even thinking about it this much...it's a thing to be hopeful about, I think, as the new year begins.
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Quote of the Day: "Sing with me, sing for the year, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears..."